To Sparkle Punch...

High Five for Friday: October 4

JessComment

Before we get into the sparkle, let me just say that anxiety is a helluva a thing. I had a BAD anxiety day on Wednesday, and man, did it pull me under quick. Like I mentioned in this post, I sometimes have fleeting suicidal thoughts sort of out of habit (I can’t think of a better way to describe it), and that started happening because I was just.so.anxious. When I feel truly awful, this old voice in my head will start telling me that there’s a way out. Luckily, I have enough awareness now to go like, “Wait, what?! Where did you come from?!” and dismiss it. But I had forgotten just how horrifying an intense bout of anxiety can be. (My usual anxiety feels more like a nuisance than a WHY GOD MAKE IT STOP kind of thing.) People typically equate suicide and depression, but anxiety has certainly fueled my serious suicidal thoughts in the past, and I don’t think I’ve emphasized that quite enough on here.

This is all to say, be kind out there. You don’t know what random, seemingly benign, things are setting people off. I certainly didn’t see it coming on Wednesday! And I’m doing better now, whew! ❤️

ANYWAY, the sparkle!

  • On Saturday, one of my friends came over so we could start watching Dawson’s Creek. (Well, sort of. He’s seen it all, and I watched seasons one and two back when they first aired.) I forgot how much they threw into that pilot! Children out of wedlock, affairs, interracial couples, student-teacher flirtations… 1998 didn’t stand a chance! Also, even though it was about 80 degrees on Saturday, I really wanted a hot chocolate, and let me tell you, it was a fine accompaniment to the Creek!

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  • My friend also brought me a gift! How awesome is this?! And he apologized for it not being Ocarina of Time! (I do love Link to the Past too though!) Get you a friend who knows your Zelda preferences!

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  • Every so often, I just need some eye candy in my life, and so I get back on a Supernatural kick. I am usually firmly a Jensen Ackles girl (how is he so stupidly attractive HOW?!), but I am falling prey to Jared Padalecki’s giant puppy energy IRL and sad puppy energy as Sam. (Plus, he’s open about his anxiety and depression and I swear he once name-checked the DSM at a con, so what could be more attractive?!) The only problem with Supernatural is that I have no real interest in the supernatural, so I just end up watching videos from cons or the same handful of “fun” episodes (Bad Day at Black Rock, Tall Tales, etc.) that I’ve seen a million times. If anyone watches it, I need episode suggestions!

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(Thank you tumblr!)

(Thank you tumblr!)

  • I did a little redecorating over the weekend with these awesome tarot-themed prints from Society 6! I LOVE that Virgo is the The Hermit! I feel that in my SOUL.

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  • Lastly, it’s been almost a year, and the Queen deep dive continues! This time, I have two words for you: acapella Queen! I especially love the harmonies on “Killer Queen,” which I hardly noticed before!

That is… a lewk. 👀

What put the sparkle in your week?!

Hope you have a great weekend! xoxo

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What is uniquely YOU is your super power

JessComment

Before September, National Suicide Prevention Month, was over, I wanted to share a recent realization that’s been helping me to deal with feelings of depression and hopelessness.

I may not be suicidal anymore, but it’s not like I’m magically cured of my issues. Anxiety seems to be with me 24/7, while depression is something that comes and goes. In 2019, though, it’s come more than it’s gone. Thankfully, it’s only triggered one noteworthy dark spiral this year, but I do find myself often having negative thoughts about myself and my life. I struggle to write blog posts (aside from ones I’m in the habit of writing, like H54F) because it feels so exhausting to fight against all the negative mind chatter telling me not to do it. I want to be positive, to potentially help others and be a light for them, but that’s just not who I typically am. I’m more dark and twisty, like Meredith Grey.

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But—PLOT TWIST—what if that’s okay? I mean, A.) it’s just how I am, so why fight it? and B.) it leads me to writing blog posts like this one that give voice to what others might be experiencing (and not talking about).

What if these things that are uniquely, inherently me are my power, rather than a problem?

My therapist and I have begun to use these uniquely Jess things to inspire me, in lieu of stuff like affirmations (which so often feel false or forced to me). I actually made a list of my Jess things in my journal a few months back, and you will recognize a lot of them from my H54F posts:

  • My inability to ignore pretty flowers

  • My cat-lady tendencies

  • My love of ‘90s video game music

  • My preference for trauma-sensitive yoga

…You get the idea. I might share interests with people, but no one is exactly like me, and that is my power. My unique perspective and voice (which is colored by the things that I enjoy) are what I have to offer the world, and that is something I can look to when I’m feeling depressed.

McDreamy gets it.

McDreamy gets it.

In therapy, we’re also working on the notion that, when I retreat so as to not be a burden, I might be depriving people of something, rather than sparing them pain or aggravation. 🤯🤯 (Therapy is the best, can you tell?!)

At the height of my suicidal depression, I couldn’t see the good in myself, in these Jess things, at all. It is so so hard to think like that when you feel like everyone would be better off without you. But no matter how I felt about myself, the things made me me, the things that other people loved about me, were always there. Depression is just really good at masking them.

What things are uniquely YOU? Share ‘em down below!

When I was suicidally depressed, I needed others to encourage me to keep going and support me through that time. Friends and family helped, but so did medical professionals and the Suicide Hotline. xoxo

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High Five for Friday: September 27

JessComment

Well, it’s been a strange time since I last checked in. Yes, I spent last week in Sedona, Arizona, as planned, but my dear friend Kristin passed away the Sunday before I left. So it’s been a strange mix of grief and jet lag and deep inner healing work. There were definitely sparkly moments in the past week, but everything feels exhausting at the same time. I guess that’s grief. Anyway, here’s what brought the sparkle:

  • This is my favorite picture of me from Sedona. We did a hike to the energy vortex on the Airport Loop trail and then had the option to hike around the area as we wished. Two of the other girls and I opted to go to the summit, where we got to soak in these gorgeous views!

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  • The next day, we went to Boynton Canyon, where we encountered the Flute Guy, who climbs to the top of this rock and plays his flute twice a day. He also handed each of us a heart-shaped rock on his way up there! ❤️

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  • On our last day, Saturday, we did the most difficult hike of our time in Sedona wherein we literally crawled and pulled ourselves up rocks to get to this point on Bell Rock. I’m now covered in bruises and still feeling muscles I didn’t know I had, but I did it—and I definitely didn’t think I’d be able to! I felt very accomplished! 😊

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  • We also had time to explore the town of Sedona, where I bought quite a few crystals and got my aura picture taken!

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  • Lastly, I never really adjusted to the time difference and kept waking up at 5 AM, so I’d just go outside and watch the sun come up every morning! Seeing the sun rise over the red rocks was a treat every day, but the last morning was especially gorgeous:

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What put the sparkle in your week?

Hope you have a great weekend! xo

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High Five for Friday: September 13

JessComment

Let’s see what put the sparkle into this week!

  • Saturday was a beautiful, sunny, not too hot day, so I went to Longwood Gardens! My hope was to see all the dahlias that Timmi and I accidentally found there last year, but I only saw a few different types this time around. I don’t know if they bloomed earlier this year, or if not as many varieties were planted, but no matter the reason, HOW DARE THEY. Luckily, the Conservatory is always lovely and had me appreciating plants for a change, instead of just focusing on flowers!

I fell in love with these fuzzy, stabby friends!

I fell in love with these fuzzy, stabby friends!

And how ridiculous is this rubber plant? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE PAINTED HOW.

And how ridiculous is this rubber plant? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE PAINTED HOW.

  • Oh, and there were some dahlias, and other pretty flowers, don’t worry!

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  • I kind of hate myself for saying this, but I’ve been on a real T. Swift kick for the past week. Her songs are just.so.catchy. Even a cranky old lady like me (hee hee hoo hoo hoooo oooh) can’t resist! Not gonna lie, I basically listened to “You Need to Calm Down” all day on Friday! *I* need to calm down!

  • Please tell me that you can relate to this. 🙃🙃

Sadly, the joggers are going back (I was not impressed), BUT I did order a jumpsuit that I hope is as comfy as a onesie, so STAY TUNED.

Sadly, the joggers are going back (I was not impressed), BUT I did order a jumpsuit that I hope is as comfy as a onesie, so STAY TUNED.

  • Lastly, this post was suggested for me on Instagram (well done, algorithm!), and it honestly gave me great comfort. I tend to be Attachment Barbie with people in general, and if I’m being vulnerable and sharing the intimate details of my life with someone, like, say, a therapist, forget about it. Attachment City. But I always struggle with the idea that therapists care about me too. I want to believe it, but it’s so hard since it’s their job to be there for me, and I tend to feel like a burden. So this was super reassuring, and I’m sharing it for anyone else who needs to hear it.

What put the sparkle in YOUR week?

No H54F next week because I’m going to be in Arizona on a retreat with some of my yoga friends! Hope you have a great weekend! xo

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High Five for Friday: September 6

JessComment

Let’s see what brought the sparkle this week!

  • I had an Ulta gift card from my birthday, so on Saturday… and Monday shhh… I stopped by Ulta and treated myself to a few fun things that I would normally talk myself out of, including nail polishes, lip glosses, and this cat ear headband that was basically made for me! 😻

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Zoya Nail Lacquer | Essence Lash Primer | Dr. Jart Cicapair Color Correcting Treatment (this is actually from Sephora and I think it’s going back because it has an orangey cast on me, boo)

Zoya Nail Lacquer | Essence Lash Primer | Dr. Jart Cicapair Color Correcting Treatment (this is actually from Sephora and I think it’s going back because it has an orangey cast on me, boo)

  • But even more exciting than all that is that the adorable cashier on Saturday gave me the best compliment of my life: “Your style is so cute!” SQUEEEE! I may never get over this. I was the gawky, nerdy girl growing up, so getting this kind of compliment truly made my heart soar! 💜💜

  • I didn’t have any plans for the Labor Day, so I made the aforementioned trip to Ulta (and one to Target, on the day before everyone went back to school—DO NOT RECOMMEND), watched a lot of FYI’s Grey’s marathon, and sat outside typing up notes for this story I want to write. I rarely give myself permission to just sit and work on creative writing, so that was a nice change of pace! All in all, a very chill holiday.

  • I loved this Positively Present illustration, especially since September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month!

  • Lastly, Timmi shared this musical masterpiece with me, knowing that I listen to “Jolene” almost every day at work! (With my own flaming locks of auburn hair, I cannot resist!)

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Hope you have a great weekend! xo

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