This time 10 years ago, I wanted to die. Then, I started to talk about it.
I didn’t mean to. I certainly didn’t want to. It all kind of just spilled out to a friend in desperation. But that “mistake” saved my life, as I ended up going inpatient the next day, and that has led to quite the healing journey!
It also forced me to tell my family and friends how I was really doing, something I’d long avoided.
I’d had suicidal thoughts on and off since high school, but I thought they were something that had to be kept secret, so that I wouldn’t be judged or create a panic. I also never wanted anyone, especially my parents, to worry about me. I wanted to be “a pleasure to have in class” in all areas of my life, so no one could know how much I sometimes struggled emotionally.
But it was only in being honest with the people in my life that I started to heal. And though there have certainly been ups and downs over the past 10 years, I am really glad I’m still here. 💖
Now… here’s the part I’ve been struggling to put into words. I really wish I could say, “It’s okay to have suicidal thoughts,” because acceptance and compassion feel better to me (and probably everyone??) than denial, panic, and shame. It really helps when my therapist tells me things like, “It’s okay to be scared,” and I have kind of adapted that to telling myself, “It’s okay to feel [fill-in-the-blank emotion]” when I’m not in the therapy room.
But “being scared” is one thing. Suicidal thoughts are life and death. Not to mention that no one should have to go through life wanting to die. And even with the normalization of mental health, this particular topic still feels taboo, in a way that talking about anxiety and depression don’t.
But suicide is the 12th-leading cause of death in the US. NOT talking about it, or reacting to it from a place of judgment, clearly isn’t helping. Will we ever get to a place where people can share their suicidal thoughts and feel genuinely heard, supported, and helped in the process? I was so incredibly lucky to have that experience with the friend I “mistakenly” opened up to. I have not always been able to give that gift to others (when I was in denial about my own issues), and I really regret it.
If talking about my experience does anything to lessen the stigma, well, maybe that’s why I’m still here. 🫶
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts:
You are loved.
You deserve to be heard.
You deserve to heal.
In the US, there is the new 988 hotline for mental health crises. This page also lists a number of other resources. (I am also so intrigued by the last option on that page, Warmlines, for when you are “not in crisis, but still need support.” How did I not know things like that existed?!)
And if you’ve been there for me over the past 10 years:
Natalie Merchant was hitting me in all the feels as I was driving around on Saturday 💖🥹