July 2018 goals?

This goals post is not a goals post—it's an "I need a break from goals" post.

I'm doing so many things to try to "get better," but my mood and emotions have been all over the place for the past month+, and I'm worn out. What if I just AM? Can I just BE for a month?

That's not to say that I'm going to stop therapy or anything radical like that. I love therapy! But I have three therapists at the moment, and three doctors that I’m working with, plus yoga and dance, and I just don't feel like I can handle anything else on top of all that right now. So, a little break.

In other news, I did get my hormones tested (one of last month's goals), and they are all out of whack, so maybe that explains some of what I'm feeling! #blessed

Linking up with Nicole at Feel Good, Dress Better!

Oh, PS—the inspirational quote at the beginning of this post is brought to you by ‘90s General Hospital (naturally). 😂💯❤️

June 2018 goals

Let's see what's on the white board this month!

1. Try three more new things: GUYS. I thought for sure this would be the hardest goal last month, and I CRUSHED IT! So I decided to give it another whirl this month.

2. Get my hormones tested: I'm really starting to think that my hormones are affecting my anxiety. I've been noticing that my anxiety and obsessive thoughts get worse closer to my period. So while I'm never thrilled for blood work, I'm really curious if it could give me some insight and possibly a path toward relief.

3. Stick to budget for real this time: You'll see below why this one got off track, but I want to give it another try in June.

4. Keep up with meditation: I inadvertently joined a meditation class in May! (I was supposed to teach a yoga class that no one showed up for, and the meditation class was conveniently happening right after, so, hey!) I have a lot (A LOT) of resistance to breathing and sitting still and, well, not distracting, but I do want to give this meditation thing a shot.

5. Secret goal step #1: OooOOoo so mysterious! haha Nah, I'm just not ready to get into this one on here yet. But I think including it will help to keep me accountable (...maybe).

And how did May's goals go?

Do three new things (or, at a minimum, three things I don't regularly do): Well, let’s see... I taught a yoga class, drove to two new places, got energy healing, met with a potential private yoga client, went to three new yoga classes, and started going to the aforementioned meditation class. This is huge for me!! 🙌🏻

Get up early to start my day with a Kalyn Nicholson YouTube video: This goal was going along fine until major anxiety derailed a solid week, and I've had a hard time getting up early again when sleep is an alternative, haha.

Make budget and stick to it // pay off credit card: I did pay off my credit card and was doing fine with sticking to my budget until the anxiety storm hit. Then came extra therapy sessions and doctor's appointments and supplements, and I couldn't get myself to do things like, say, getting out of bed, let alone balancing my checkbook. So the budget went off-track. I'm just glad it was due to regular therapy and not retail therapy for a change! 

Self-freaking-care: Hmm... I did make self-care a priority when I was forced to (during the anxiety storm). The next step, I guess, is integrating these things into my life when I'm only feeling low-grade anxiety. 

Taking alone time for myself at home: This did happen sometimes, hooray! 🎉

Well, as usual, this month's tarot card was spot-on. Although when I pulled it, I was rather concerned by the number of fiery sticks!

Holding my ground? Courage and persistence? Fear about not being able to win everybody over? ✔️✔️✔️ 

What are you working on this month? How do you manage intense anxiety?

Linking up with Nicole at Feel Good, Dress Better!

May 2018 goals

The start of April was a bit of a disaster, so I never got a goals post up. Probably for the best considering my emotional state at the beginning of the month! (Remember my three therapy sessions in three days? Yeahhh...) But it's May now, and I'm not an emotional wreck, so let's see what's on the white board!

Do three new things (or, at a minimum, three things I don't regularly do): My world has become so small, you guys. All I really do is go to work and therapy. I don't think I've talked about it on here before, but I've been wondering if I have a touch of agoraphobia because the fear that something bad will happen often keeps me from leaving the house to do anything optional. (So things like work and therapy are okay.) A few months ago, my therapist was pushing this idea of expanding my world, and I was not into it at all, but now I see and feel that I really need to do it. AND THE UNIVERSE IS TELLING ME THIS TOO SEE BELOW.

Get up early to start my day with a Kalyn Nicholson YouTube video: I don't know what it is right now (because I've watched a few of her vids in the past), but I am just super connecting to Kalyn's vibe and message, and I'm getting lots of energy from it. She's so inspiring and makes me want to tap into my creative side that I so easily squelch. She talks about a lot of things that I want to get back into (like the law of attraction and just generally making positive choices).

Make budget and stick to it // pay off credit card: As I said in my April budget post, April was a bit of a doozy financially. The payment schedule at work changed, and I was scrambling just to pay my bills. Now that the dust has settled, I need to pay off my credit card and make a realistic budget for May that I feel like I can stick to--because if the budget is way too tight, I tend to not even try, as the whole thing feels like a lost cause from the start, you know? 

Self-freaking-care: Eating. Sleeping. Basic things. I definitely didn't make the healthiest choices in April--I skipped meals, and I let myself get to the point of exhaustion because I felt "lazy" taking a nap (even though anxiety has been waking me up way before my alarm). I just need to take better care of myself, period.

Taking alone time for myself at home: I tend to struggle with just doing my own thing if other people are around. And I live with my dad, who is retired and thus often around! I've slowly been making my room into more of a happy place/sanctuary and spending time in there when no one is home, so hopefully, that comfortability carries over. I am an introvert, so I really do need to be able to break away from other people and recharge sometimes.

So I happened to pull a tarot card a few weeks ago that was so super relevant to my life right now that I'm going to use it as my card of the month (instead of pulling a Healing with the Angels card).

I pulled this handsome fella, reversed:

My tarot knowledge is pretty limited, so I usually marvel over the OOTC (outfit of the card) and then google the card's message. Here is the reversed Two of Wands' message:

SO. WILDLY. ACCURATE. I actually pulled the card before coming up with the goal to do more new things, but I've been having that "stuck" feeling for awhile. So I was basically like, "OK UNIVERSE! I'M GETTING THE MESSAGE!"

What do you hope to do in May? Any tips for combating fears of leaving the house? 😬

Linking up with Nicole at Feel Good, Dress Better!

March 2018 Goals

I'm feeling super emotionally and energetically drained right now, but there are some adult-y things that I need to get done, and making them this month's goals seemed like the best way to potentially do them!

1. Do taxes: Yawn.

2. Get car inspected: Mainly to avoid last year's problem of being wanted dead or alive. 😂

3. Plan yoga class: I have to teach my first full yoga class, to the whole YTT group, at the end of the month. EEP! So I need to actually start working on this instead of just obsessively worrying about it like I currently am. When I used to have to do presentations in school, I would write out a whole script and practice it repeatedly, and I think that having something to go back to and envision if my mind went blank really helped me not devolve into fight or flight mode. (I just really want to get through this class without another panic attack if at all possible!)

4: Creative writing: I've mentioned a few times that I have this story/collection of characters rolling around in my head, and I've noticed how much I genuinely feel excited when I get ideas for it. It gives me life! So I should probably stop ignoring it or dismissing it as dumb or unimportant. It makes me happy, and I guess that is important enough. 💖

Now February's goals weren't really goals so much as mantras to keep in mind during the emotional rollercoaster that was the last month. "I don't feel okay, but I am okay" was the one that I came back to the most, especially when I would start to feel scared completely out of the blue and didn’t know what to do with myself.

This month's Healing with the Angels card is CHILDREN 😮😬⁉️ But, as usual, it’s the perfect card for me right now. The description talked a lot about the Inner Child, which is definitely a key component of my healing work, because she is usually scared, and I'm very good at ignoring her. I bet the sudden, scared feelings that I've been having lately are related to her, if I would just listen to her...

What are you working on this month? 

Linking up with Nicole at Feel Good, Dress Better!

February 2018 goals

Oh hey, a goals post! I didn't do one in January because I just didn't feel like it, whoops. I kind of subbed in Timmi's tarot reading instead (relating HARD to the Four of Cups) and called it a day.

February's "goals" are different than usual because I'm still in this very triggered emotional state and haven't been productive with much else. So this month's "goals" are really things that I need to remind myself of as I work through this.  

I’m learning that I spend most of my time bouncing between a state of panic (*hyperventilates*) and shutdown ("I'll never get better, so what’s the point?"). But there's an in-between place (my "window of tolerance") that I need to get to so that I can make measured, thoughtful decisions about my life, rather than just freaking out or giving up. Breathing and not getting swept up in my thoughts (which are typically being colored by my anxiety, depression, and PTSD, rather than reality) are two routes to get there.

(If you want to learn more about hyperarousal, hypoarousal, and the window of tolerance, I found this article to be pretty helpful.)

Mindful breathing is a huge struggle for me, probably because I tend to counteract feelings with constant activity! But I’m starting to see how breathing can be calming--especially if I've already gotten some of that nervous energy out by moving first (like, say, through yoga).

And "I don't feel okay, but I am okay" was something that my therapist suggested when I was like, "What can I tell myself when I'm freaking out?!" It's been my mantra for the past few days when I feel super amped up despite being in a perfectly safe environment. Honestly, I've been feeling like I'm crazy because my emotions have been so intense, so I'm trying to keep in mind that the intensity will pass and that I'm developing tools to get myself back to a calmer, more rational state. And one that isn't totally numb to boot. 🙌🏻

What about this month's Healing with the Angels card? It's a new one for me: "playfulness." 

My initial reaction? UGH. But I can see why I might have pulled it. Because I've been so amped up lately, I've been taking everything super seriously and stressing about every little thing I do or say. The write-up on the "playfulness" card says, "When you have fun and laugh, you relax." What a concept! 😂

What are you working on this month?

Linking up with Nicole at Writes Like a Girl!