This girl had just done inpatient, started therapy, started IOP, and moved into the city. She’s the patron saint of sparkle punching.
(In case you don’t know, I think of the day I went inpatient for suicidal thoughts [3/20/13] as my Rebirthday!)
Last weekend, I did a group meditation (who am I??) on the future self and past self. The only thing I could think to say to my 10-years-ago self was, “Stop crying over boys and work on your thesis.” (Books before bros?)
With that out of the way and my Rebirthday fresh on my mind, I then thought back to my eight-years-ago self.
Man, that girl had guts.
She walked up to a nurse in the ER and said out loud the kind of thoughts she was having.
She chose to stay in the hospital with complete strangers (and her depression and anxiety) for five days.
(And she still stayed after immediately panicking about that decision, haha.)
She admitted to her family that things really weren’t okay. So not okay that she had suicidal thoughts, and not just thoughts, a plan.
I am in awe of that girl. I don’t know that I could do any of those things today.
And she was so diligent in tending to her mental health after inpatient too. For months, she went to intensive outpatient four days a week + therapy one day a week and worked a full-time job. She read every book her therapist recommended. She went to retreats and yoga classes specifically for “women with trauma.”
I have no advice for her. I could use some advice from her, actually! I feel like I’ve lost so much of the spark and dedication that she had. (Although, to be fair, nothing will zap it quite like losing a very good friend and experiencing a global pandemic in back to back years….)
But I do get glimpses of her sometimes. Like when I recently got up the nerve to get a second opinion about the horrible physical and mental symptoms I’ve been having along with my period. The second NP I saw really listened to me and actually had me answer the questions that determine if you have PMDD. Sure enough, I met the criteria. (I had already wondered about that here.)
And I think eight-years-ago me is the part of me that makes sure I track my mood, a recent assignment from the psych NP. And what do you know? Consistent mood tracking showed me the cyclical nature of my drastic mood/mental state changes, thus giving me months of evidence to present the GYN NPs. It also showed me how nuanced my feelings truly are. (i.e. I’m not just anxious all the time.)
While I do often think of my various inner children, this was the first time in a long time that I’d thought of 26-year-old me. I need to fix that because she’s pure magic. She didn’t realize it, but she still had so much life in her, even in her darkest moments.
I want to be her when I grow up. 💜
