Hi friends! Thanks for stopping by—I’m so glad you’re here! 😁
This week, I made my last payment on my car! 🤯 As “normal” as that sounds, it is truly monumental!
1.) I didn’t know that I would ever be able to tolerate driving. I got my license in 2005 but never really used it because, terrified. When my first therapist got wind of this in 2015, she urged me to do exposure therapy. Turns out, that framework was exactly what I needed to confront such a massive fear.
(I was blogging at the time, so you can check out the “exposure therapy” tag for more info on my experience!)
2.) I really struggle to make big decisions or commitments. I am a “pay month to month” type of gal. But when I finished exposure therapy in June 2015, logically, I needed a car so I could keep up the progress I’d made. It’s not like I suddenly loved driving, though. I could tolerate it, but… what if I just stopped driving again? Except, now I owned a car? I didn’t want to look like a failure. I didn’t want to make a (very expensive) mistake. 🎶Hello, shame, my old friend.🎶
In theory, if a decision stops feeling aligned, I could just make changes accordingly. The problem is that shame shouts that down with “you made your bed” type messaging.
2016 Jess is kind of my hero because she felt all the fear and uncertainty, and heard all those messages from shame, and she bought a car anyway. She was able to take a leap of faith, and not from some zen, enlightened state, but in spite of all her fears.
I couldn’t know in 2016 that I would be working from home full-time from 2020 on—or that the world would shut down and I’d barely even be leaving the house. Thank goodness I didn’t know, because that would have just fed into my fears. Yes, my work situation (and the world) have completely changed... but so have I. And I’ve survived. I have no regrets about getting my car, even though I don’t use it nearly as much as I once did, even though driving is still not my favorite thing. (Actually, I’m quite anxious again because of how little I’ve gone out these past two years—though I’m anxious as driver and as a passenger this time around, which is fun. I’m basically the guy in Schitt’s Creek who’s afraid of car horns. 🙈)
But I know I need to keep up with driving, because, while I may not love it, I do love the freedom that comes with it. Driving blew open the possibilities for my life, from finally having a reasonable commute (for four years!) to doing Yoga Teacher Training and retreats an hour+ away.
I need more possibilities in my life. Here’s to more possibilities and less shame and fear! 💖💖
What put the sparkle in your week? ✨
Happy Friday! xoxo
