What a crazy week! Let’s see what brought the sparkle:

Over the weekend, the weather here was gorgeous—65 and sunny! Yahoo! Even though I’ve had zero energy (more on that later), I made it out for two walks around the neighborhood! I even listened to the Beach Boys one of the days, just to get fully in the summertime mood! 😂

I also made it out to Target! I didn’t buy anything exciting, but Target is just always a calming place to be—for me, at least.

Yeah, so I wouldn’t say I’m an energetic person, but I have been utterly exhausted lately. Like, can’t get off the couch, can’t get out of bed in the morning, feeling pretty depressed, etc. Something just feels way off. It finally dawned on me that this might be related to a recent medicine change. Luckily, I see an amazing psychiatric nurse practitioner who is very receptive when I contact her with med questions in between sessions. I emailed her my thoughts, and sure enough, she told me to try going back to the lower dose. I am so so appreciative that I have a psychiatric professional who is super attentive, actually listens to me, and isn’t a pill-pusher. (Can you tell I’ve had bad experiences with psychiatrists in the past?) This woman is just THE BEST. Not many things get me to drive into Philly, but she can!

Okay, who picked Ken to be the Jeopardy GOAT? (Pops did!) I’m so sad it’s over now! But I’m also extremely proud of myself because I said Iago! ENGLISH MAJORDOM FINALLY PAID OFF! Here’s looking at you, Prof. O’Hara!

Lastly, a grad school friend reposted this last week, and I LOVE it. Techniques like this have actually become a big part of my therapy. I looove me some validation and definitely rely on other people to make me feel good about myself, which is not super ideal or even always possible. So my therapist will ask me how *I* can give the thing that I need (or that my inner children needed) to myself now. Which I’m not always thrilled about—I just want someone else to comfort me, dammit! I don’t want to be alone with my feelings! But, realistically, I’m the only one who’s always available to me, so it’s not a bad tactic for when I’m starting to feel panicked but don’t have therapy or can’t get ahold of my safe people. And it eliminates the guilt/anxiety spiral of reaching out to someone who isn’t getting back to you. This whole approach is still pretty new to me, but it’s definitely been an eye-opener!

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If you feel dumb typing fake texts to yourself, that’s normal. I did too. Now I don’t anymore because guess what, this shit works. Our subconscious minds can’t tell the difference between hearing these things from ourselves and hearing them from some other person. . Yeah, I know, when you do this, you don’t get to feel the dopamine hit of a text coming in from someone whose attention you desire, but you get something INFINITELY BETTER: the ability to source your own self-love and inner approval without relying on another, possibly sketchy person who’s focused on their own shit and whose behavior you cannot control. And you know what you DEFINITELY DON’T get? The crushing feelings of regret and self-loathing that happen when you do reach out to someone, hoping for something that feels good in response, and are met with... not that. I haven’t done a scientific study or anything, but in my own experience of having sought validation, attention and affection via electronic communication, I’d say the ratio of “brief dopamine hit” to “self-loathing regret spiral” is like 1:4. . I believe that the most direct path to personal empowerment is to refuse to abandon myself. To be my own ride or die. When I sit around waiting for someone else to approve or disapprove of me, this is self-abandonment. When I turn over the power and responsibility for how I feel about myself to another person, I’m setting myself up for self-loathing when they don’t text me back or don’t tell me what I need to hear. . If it helps, feel free to remind yourself that *I* write fake texts to myself all the time. So you won’t be alone in your efforts. ❤️ #emilyonlife

A post shared by Emily McDowell (@emilyonlife) on Jan 8, 2020 at 7:03pm PST